Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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