i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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