I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
