He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
