everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
