He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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