All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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