when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
