apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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