My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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