I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
