So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
