you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
