Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
