i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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