his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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