There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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