Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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