At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
