You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
