hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
