Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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