the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize