Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
