She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
