i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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