We're like a lot better than the average bears
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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