I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
