somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
