New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
