I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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