Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
