I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George