drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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