im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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