my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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