She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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