Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
