She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
