Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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