Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
