so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I need moral support for this bender
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
