So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
