In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
