Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
