Pappa wants mamma naked
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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