Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
