the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
