i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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