I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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