Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
