Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
