dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
