Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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