My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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