Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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