apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
